Championship Weekend Preparedness Guide

Much has been and will be written about the coming week’s NFL Conference Championship games – nonetheless I feel the need to chime in with some of my predictions for the games and the commercials in bewtween them:

The Games.

AFC:

Like most of America, I am torn when it comes to the Patriots -

Pros:
Actually enjoying all the drama about the whole 19-0 thing
Big fan of Belichick, really big fan. (I find his utter disdain for all things not Bill Belichick charming).
A certain dreamboat quarterback.

Cons:
Everything about sports fans from Boston.

However, I think I can ignore the millions of goateed cons in this case and root for the Pats, because I don’t think I have hated an athlete as much as I hate Phillip Rivers. I lived in London for a while, and my British friends were always confused by the distinction between an “asshole” and a “douche bag”. I found the best way to demonstrate the difference was to point to examples: While Hitler was an asshole, Phillip Rivers is a giant douche bag.

NFC:

Call me crazy here, but in my opinion, sports journalists tend to sensationalize things…so isn’t it possible that contrary to what we've been hearing all week, Eli Manning hasn’t blossomed into the second coming of Joe Montana just yet? Just maybe? I mean, we all go on hot streaks sometimes in our lives. Take me for example – I once had a 236 note streak going in Guitar Hero. That is not a joke. But I got tripped up on the solo. Isn’t it just possible that Eli gets tripped up on the solo of playoff football, i.e. cold weather? (And wasn’t this what everyone blamed his terrible December on?)

The Commercials.

Taco Bell

The conclusion of the saga will be the mousy pregnant chick giving birth to a baby with a mustache and squid legs. Shouldn’t there be a government warning about pregnant women eating Taco Bell? I mean it might be safer to just go with broken glass with elemental mercury and Easy Cheese – I mean it’s cheesy, crunchy, etc.

Toyota

A representative from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will have explained to Toyota executives the benefits of stopwatches and test tracks, so this week’s Tundra commercials might be a bit dull in comparison to previous ones. To compensate for the lack of action, the commercial’s narrator will do the “Who’s on First?” bit with the guy from NFL Films, causing the San Andreas Fault to move several meters.

FOX Programming

The beauty of FOX is that the content is so inane, and the commercials are so frequent, that you really don't have to watch any of the shows to know what's going on. This week we will find out that the Prison Break guys scheme to break in or out of prison, possibly both. Also, Terminator, the Show will feature the FOX Football Robot as a new character. There will be a drawn-out "will they, won't they?" story line featuring him and the racially ambiguous terminator chick.

Esurance

Is it me, or has Erin Esurance really toned down the sexy recently? Expect her to be back in a big way this weekend.