Monday, July 28, 2008

Pure Gold

This is officially my second review of a TV show. My review of Frank TV (which I would link to if I wasn't lazy, or if it wasn't easier just to scroll down) was less than favorable. So in the interest of balance, I'm giving MTV's new hit "From G's to Gents" two thumbs up. Here is why you should watch:

1. Pretty Ricky (pictured above). Unfortunately, Mr. Ricky (whose real name is Lenny, by the way) was kicked off in the first episode. But in what style! The G's were presented with an open bar - Pretty Ricky, who has wearing a golf glove (also pictured), decided to hit the cognac a little too hard. He He slurred his speech, urinated on the outside of the house and speaking incoherently for most of the episode. Obviously, you have to believe that the genius editing team at MTV played a large part in the negative portrayal of Pretty, but still - he was without a doubt hammered. And it was hilarious. And, unfortunately, it led to his demise. We'll you miss you, Pretty Ricky.

2. It is hosted by Fonzworth Bentley, two years after we should have forgotten about him. Every time I see this guy, the following two words come to mind: "Seriously, dude?"

3. It will make you feel good about yourself. In comparison to the cast of this show, I am a dapper, articulate gentlemen who really has his life together. In reality, I am such a loser, I watched a show called "From G's to Gents" on MTV. But for that hour, sweet escape...

4. You will learn new words, or new uses for old ones. My favorite so far: "G-check". I'm still not sure if this is a feature of the show itself, or an urban term I have never heard before. In any case, it was well understood by everyone on the show. From what I can gather, it is a severe attack on one's manhood initiated by another man. The point of a G-check to illicit a response from the attacked, and thereby reveal his character, or whether or not he is a true "G". So just remember, the next time you get punched in the nuts, you could be getting G-checked. Act accordingly.

5. The Black Ball/ Ebony Sphere Vote-Off system. This is actually the worst part of the show, because it's pretty much meaningless (Fonzworth decides who goes home, ultimately) however, the system provides some entertainment value, mainly because I am convinced the entire cast believes they are voting with "ebony spears".

6. The sob stories. My favorite so far, from a gentlemen named "Shotta" (yeah, he used to hustle). Shotta lives in his car. But, as he is quick to point out, it's a Benz! He paid five grand for it. He is equally quick to point out (very astutely, I might add) that "it was a bad purchase..."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Hulu: The Future of TV

This is funny - watch it.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Political Endorsement of the Day

Leon is truly the Voice of the People.

The following went into my decision:

Obviously very smart and we align on most issues (I think Hillary's healthcare plan is better, but I think Obama secretly does too). More so than any other candidate, seems to have the right (or what I determine to be right) perspective on his role as president. And I think his lack of experience is actually a credit - as the self-appointed Candidate for Change, I think it he is more credible without years and years of Washington experience, so he is not so much a product of the system. Also, this might be racist, I am not sure, but doesn't having a back guy named Barack Hussein Obama lower our global hate profile a little bit, especially in the parts of the world that matter most in this respect?

Can you really trust a guy whose middle name is Hussein? (kidding). But we do differ on a couple of issues (mainly economic), but I'm willing to live with it. Also, I am a little bit reticent to be on the same side as some of the folks who have publicly come out with their support of Obama recently - part of me feels like I am just being blindly swept away by the Hollywood/Liberal media tidal wave of Obama support, and this worries me a little bit. But whatever, I feel like I have informed myself well enough to make my own decision.

So there it is: Barack Obama, muthafucka! The president of hittin that ass! (This should be a campaign slogan.)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Totally Inappropriate and Mean-Spirited Joke of the Day

As told by John McCain, Republican Senator from Arizona, current Republican Presidential Candidate, in 1998:

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?

A: Because Janet Reno is her dad.

The beauty of this joke is that it manages to offend just about everybody on some level. You really can't beat it for economy. Also, important to note that in 1998 Chelsea Clinton was 18 at best, so in no way fair game for this kind of abuse.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

What Happened to the Hooligans?

In a recent email discussion between friends, the topic of hooliganism in soccer came up. One friend, let's call him "Fabio," mentioned in that he was fortunate enough to attend the Arsenal v. AC Milan Champions League match last night which was a thrilling 0-0 draw (no sarcasm there - if you don't think a 0-0 match can be exciting, you should watch more NASCAR). What you must understand is that Fabio has an interesting job that forces him to live in Brazil, travel around the world and do things like go to major sporting events for free - everyone hates Fabio because of this (or at least I do.)

Fabio's seats (as he pointed out, that ass) were very close to the field, on the lower level of the stadium. A concerned friend responded by asking Fabio if it wasn't dangerous to be sitting on the lower levels, as you could have beverages (or the warmer by-product of previously-consumed beverages) intentionally leaked on you, or be hit by any number of projectiles. The answer was no - he was fine. This drew surprise and skepticism among the group: a big-time soccer match in London at night? Shouldn't there be some hooliganism? Some shenaniganism? ( I made up one of the words in the above paragraph - can you guess which one?)

These things do happen in soccer. If you watch the sports segment of Spanish channel news, you'll notice that the field during a South American soccer game often looks like a pig sty (literally - there are barn animals on there sometimes). In Italy, the "Ultra" fans have been known to wreak havoc from the stands - last year, in the dying minutes of a Champions league game against AC Milan, fans from Inter Milan began to shoot flares onto the field - one said flare hit AC Milan's goalkeeper. In addition, as an artifact of Mussolini's time in charge, the game of soccer in Italy is at least somewhat intertwined with the ideology of fascism (at least for some folk). As a result, its not totally uncommon to see swastikas or other ugly reminders of World War II in the stands of an Italian soccer game.

In Spain, player abuse is rampant. Sometimes, I have to admit, it's kind of funny - in an interview, a player who transferred from Barcelona to hated rivals Real Madrid mentioned that playing against his old team in Barcelona, as he prepared to take a corner kick, a (we must say creative) fan threw a pig's head at him. That's pretty good...but sometimes it's less funny: it's fairly well-documented that black players are often racially taunted during games by fans. In a recent friendly between the Spanish and English national teams (hosted in Spain), England's black players were treated to monkey noises when they were in possession of the ball. In a post-game interview, one of the English players noted "it was almost as bad as the time we played that game in Boston." (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

English soccer (which is perhaps the most popular brand of the sport in this country) and its fans developed a formidable reputation for hooliganism and shenaniganism in the 70's and 80's - possibly the most notable and tragic example being the Heysel Stadium disaster before the Champions League Final in 1985. A group of Liverpool fans essentially rioted in the stadium's stands, causing a collapse and the death of 39 people. Perhaps as a result of this incident (which resulted in a five year exclusion of English club teams from European competition) and others, English fans have been tagged as the preeminent bad boys of soccer.

However, this seems to have evolved into a misconception at this point - while it took a tragedy of this magnitude to snap them into action, the Football Association (what a great name for a sport's governing body - not adding "English" at the beginning presumes there is no other legitimate association for the sport, just pure genius) cracked down on fan behavior. They made a conscious effort to extricate the culture of "footy" from the culture of alcohol and violence (you can still can get your belligerent drunk on at pubs, by the way). There's no drinking in stadiums for example, and police presence at a stadium on game day is formidable. As a result, much of theshenaniganism and hooliganism seen in soccer arenas around the globe (including Saturday morning rec leagues in American suburbia) are no longer a part of English soccer. That's why Fabio was so comfortable in his seats last nights, and he was able to enjoy the game.

That's not the the only reason though - his seat was actually comfortable. It wasn't a steel bench. That's because the game was played in a brand-new $50 trillion dollar (estimated figure) stadium - with luxury boxes. Obviously, tickets don't cost what they used to. In England, perhaps more than any other country, soccer has become big business. Many of the top clubs are listed on stock exchanges. Others list big-shot financiers as their owners, and the biggest of all, Manchester United, was recently LBO-ed (by a Yank, no less). The resulting focus on the bottom line means two things for English soccer: 1) It's in the best interest of owners and club officials to keep the fans in line - being banned from European soccer means less revenue, after all. 2) Increased ticket prices and catering to the the deep-pocketed corporate crowd (like that douche Fabio) means that Joe Pintglass can't get tickets to watch Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium (Fly Emirates!) anymore, much like Joe Sixpack can't afford tickets to see the Broncos at Invesco Field (Invest Invesco!). So the demographic profile of stadiums has changed and, for better or worse, seems to be more civilized...if not a bunch of wankers.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Championship Weekend Preparedness Guide

Much has been and will be written about the coming week’s NFL Conference Championship games – nonetheless I feel the need to chime in with some of my predictions for the games and the commercials in bewtween them:

The Games.


Like most of America, I am torn when it comes to the Patriots -

Actually enjoying all the drama about the whole 19-0 thing
Big fan of Belichick, really big fan. (I find his utter disdain for all things not Bill Belichick charming).
A certain dreamboat quarterback.

Everything about sports fans from Boston.

However, I think I can ignore the millions of goateed cons in this case and root for the Pats, because I don’t think I have hated an athlete as much as I hate Phillip Rivers. I lived in London for a while, and my British friends were always confused by the distinction between an “asshole” and a “douche bag”. I found the best way to demonstrate the difference was to point to examples: While Hitler was an asshole, Phillip Rivers is a giant douche bag.


Call me crazy here, but in my opinion, sports journalists tend to sensationalize things…so isn’t it possible that contrary to what we've been hearing all week, Eli Manning hasn’t blossomed into the second coming of Joe Montana just yet? Just maybe? I mean, we all go on hot streaks sometimes in our lives. Take me for example – I once had a 236 note streak going in Guitar Hero. That is not a joke. But I got tripped up on the solo. Isn’t it just possible that Eli gets tripped up on the solo of playoff football, i.e. cold weather? (And wasn’t this what everyone blamed his terrible December on?)

The Commercials.

Taco Bell

The conclusion of the saga will be the mousy pregnant chick giving birth to a baby with a mustache and squid legs. Shouldn’t there be a government warning about pregnant women eating Taco Bell? I mean it might be safer to just go with broken glass with elemental mercury and Easy Cheese – I mean it’s cheesy, crunchy, etc.


A representative from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will have explained to Toyota executives the benefits of stopwatches and test tracks, so this week’s Tundra commercials might be a bit dull in comparison to previous ones. To compensate for the lack of action, the commercial’s narrator will do the “Who’s on First?” bit with the guy from NFL Films, causing the San Andreas Fault to move several meters.

FOX Programming

The beauty of FOX is that the content is so inane, and the commercials are so frequent, that you really don't have to watch any of the shows to know what's going on. This week we will find out that the Prison Break guys scheme to break in or out of prison, possibly both. Also, Terminator, the Show will feature the FOX Football Robot as a new character. There will be a drawn-out "will they, won't they?" story line featuring him and the racially ambiguous terminator chick.


Is it me, or has Erin Esurance really toned down the sexy recently? Expect her to be back in a big way this weekend.

Don't Call it a Comeback

Sorry for the delay, Collar Stays will be returning shortly will posts-a-plenty...